Beauty is in the Eye of The Creator: Part 3

Many marital problems that have occurred through the past come about because couples find out that they have 'nothing in common', no goal that they are striving for together. While the first and foremost goal that they should be striving for is to get their husband or wife to heaven, one of the issues is that they have no hobbies or anything to share. For example, my wife and I have very different interests. While our faith and our children are the most common and best thing that we love and have in common, our physical and mental hobbies differ. She enjoys making rosaries or small crafts of some kind, while I enjoy reading. She loves to bake while I love to grill. She enjoys chick-flicks while I enjoy 'cine'MAN'togrophy'. Many couples struggle to find the similarities between their individual, material interests. One thing that my wife and I have always had in common is our love of exercise. I have noticed alot of benefits a couple can experience that exercise can offer.

First, when both the man and woman exercise they both have something they want to achieve. Whether it be to lose a couple pounds or to gain strength the couple has something that they can help the other complete. Not only is there a common goal but there is someone right next to you cheering you on to be the best that you can be. It also creates a fun pursuit that each of you can challenge the other in. For example, my wife has always been able to run for long distances at a very good pace. I am more of a weightlifter and have never been one to run for miles on end. So, between the two of us we challenge one another to reach out and try the other's interest. Now both my wife and I run and lift weights. We rarely have the opportunity to work out or run together, but the overall goal is to help each other be in the best health possible, and what better way than to grow in health together. We men are meant to 'tend and keep the garden' given to us by God and our wives are meant to help us be the best spiritual and physical heads of our households, aside from a prayerful and sacramental marriage, exercise is one of the best things to help each other reach their God-given roles.

Secondly, our vows require us to look after our spouse's health. "In sickness and in health" was not suggesting that whether you want to be lazy or active or whether you want to eat pork rinds or salads is fine by your spouse. Being a child of God hands on the responsibility of taking care of our own health and when you said 'I do' you promised to keep your spouse in his or her best health as well. There is always a balance to be had when it comes to our diets and our activity levels, within right reason a person can stay in shape and keep their spouse in shape, decently easy. With a little help from the theological virtues you can both grow together in mind, body and soul. Fortitude will help when you want to be lazy. Temperance will help when you want to eat fast food every day. Justice will help a couple give each other the love and respect due to a creature of God. Prudence will help a couple find the right plan to achieve each other's goals.

Third, I don't think any man or woman wants their partner to lose the physical attraction that originally brought them together. Men want their wives to feel safe when they are together and want them to know that no other person could harm her as long as she has her man. "His arms are rods of gold...His legs are pillars of alabaster..." - Song of Songs 5:14-15. Women want to feel attractive, they want their husbands eyes to light up when he sees her and to feel that he can always brag about his beautiful wife. "Oh Noble Daughter, your curving thighs like jewels, the product of skilled hands." - Song of Songs 7:2. The poetry of the Song of Songs is the poetry of the theology of the body, the beauty that we all contain should be something we are proud of and therefore should be kept and cared for as the prize that it is. Physical attraction is part of our human nature, we are called to look beautiful and handsome, but we are not called to put it out on display for all to see. A marriage is meant to allow a man and a woman to give all that they have to each other, especially their bodies, wouldn't you want to look the best for your spouse?

I hate what the world offers as the 'ultimate goal' for a man and woman to achieve. Stick figure women and muscle-bound freaks are shown as what a real man and woman are supposed to look like, but those are not what God originally intended at all. The different sizes and shapes of our bodies were given to us by a loving Creator and therefore should be treated as such. But, a woman should want to look feminine and a man masculine, these are our God-given roles. One of my favorite things to do as a family is to wrestle or play hide-and-go-seek with my sons. My wife and I can spend hours wrestling and play boxing with my boys and this truly brings us closer as a family, not to mention burns a decent amount of calories. There are all sorts of ways to get leaner or gain endurance, whether it be that after dinner walk together (an excellent opportunity to pray a rosary) or keeping each other's cravings under control (my wife and I found it very helpful that if one person has a right-before-bed-snack craving the other will say 'I won't if you won't', funny, but it works!) growing together physically is a great way to grow together spiritually. 'My Lover belongs to me and I to him' - Song of Songs 2:16

The Dignity of Cinderella, Snow White & Sleeping Beauty

Twenty years ago my husband and I found ourselves in the office of a marriage counselor. It was our fifth year of marriage. The only reason we were there is because we couldn't afford to sit in a lawyer's office. We look back on that now and call it the grace of God.

This counselor did help save our marriage, but I look back now on some of the ideas of the times and question. One idea in particular regarded fairy tales. Our counselor said fairy tales were an abomination to women. They taught young girls that there was a knight in shining armor out there, a prince charming. He went on to tell me I should forget about all that, it was only in the fairy tales, not going to happen in real life. I needed to take the bull by the horns and make life happen for myself. (Very feminine thing to do, right?) And yet, at the same time he told me if I wanted my husband to be the head of the household, get out of the way and let him. Somewhat of a mixed message, don't you think.

So for about the next ten years we struggled trying to properly discern our roles as husband and wife and live in harmony. It really wasn't until just around five years ago that we found the understanding of just how to do that. It was when we began studying Blessed John Paul II's Theology of the Body. There we learned just how God had created our masculine and feminine hearts and how when we embraced our own design we could live as a complementary couple.

I found in this amazing philosopher's writings that we should believe in fairy tales. There are knights in shining armor and prince charmings out there. They are the men who understand their own masculine hearts. They are the men who understand the teaching in Genesis that they are to "tend and keep" the garden. To tend the garden is to care for it, cultivate and nourish it so that it can bear fruit. The Hebrew translation for "to keep" is shamar. The literal translation for this Hebrew word is "to guard." So Adam was called to care for and guard the garden. Where else is a fertile place that when seeds are planted, it is cared for, nourished and guarded that new life will come forth? The womb of a woman, right? This is man's created design, his masculinity, his living out the knight and prince.

So it turns out that Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White actually understood their own feminine hearts and their dignity as women because of those feminine hearts. They waited for the knight and the prince rather than making do with whatever bozo came around, told them they were hot and wanted to disappear into the woods with them. Sure we women are strong, we are called to be. So was Cinderella. Look at the hard labor she did every day. We're planners and organizers so that the tasks of caring for others are completed, much like Snow White with all those little men. And we're beautiful, simply because we are women, made so by God not by anything we have done or will do. Like Sleeping Beauty, we need to recognize our feminine beauty and expect to have that feminine beauty recognized by a knight in shining armor or a prince charming.

You, like me, may have been married for many years and are asking yourself, why didn't I wait for my knight or my prince. My bet is, that you did. He might not realize he is that knight or prince. I once heard a lady say, "If you want to be treated like a queen, you better be treating your husband like a king." This certainly doesn't mean you treat your earthly king as a servant would. You are his wife, not his servant. By your very dignity you have what Blessed John Paul II called your "feminine genius." This is your own personal feminine way of sharing God's love, appreciation, approval and acceptance with the caretaker and guard of your heart. When we remember our number one goal in marriage is to get our spouse to heaven (number two is to be open to all the children God wants to give you), we realize we have to be that "helpmate" for our husbands that Eve was created to be. There is a huge difference in helpmate and nag. As a helpmate we desire what is best for our husbands from our heart. A nag desires our husbands to do what we want him to do when we want him to do it out of our own selfishness. I know, I have been there and done that and got the heartache.

Each of our heroines in these fairy tales understood they had a job to do all the while awaiting, dreaming about, and hoping for that knight in shining armor or prince charming. He came, for each one, he came. Cinderella's prince came and rescued her from a life of utilitarianism by her stepmother. Snow White's prince came and rescued her from all the little men in her life, those who couldn't love her as she deserved to be loved. Sleeping Beauty's prince came and woke her from her lifeless slumber to a life of joy, excitement and love.

Yes, these fairy tales have a story that is somewhat make-believe, but, really? Isn't there some reality in them as well? Is it really an abomination for a woman to believe there is a prince charming that understands his own masculinity and will come to take her away on the white stallion and do his best to "tend and keep the garden"?

Life: What is it for a Wife & Mother?

Life: What is it for a Wife & Mother?

What is life? Is it a biological definition about hearts, cells and oxygen? Is it a list of things to do composed at the end of the day for the following day? Is it duties, dreams, desires? And about what level of life are we talking? Is there a different level of life to be experienced depending on those daily tasks? If you are a wife and mother your definition of life may be defined by those in your life. The vocation of wife and mother is a most noble and honorable calling by God. But are we experiencing it at the surface level of stuff to do to keep life going, or embracing it at a deeper level with understanding of the choice we made? Keeping the laundry done, the groceries bought, the meals prepared, the kitchen clean, the diapers changed, the beds made, the floors swept, the bathrooms sanitary, the shirts pressed, the boo-boo's bandaged all the while making time for your hubby before you're exhausted, getting the dog groomed and giving time to each individual child can make a woman stop and wonder, is this life?? Is this what the vocation of marriage and parenting is all about? For a time, yes; yes it is. This is the service we have been called to do for our husband and for our children and mostly because God asked us to and we said yes. Were there times our Blessed Mother might have thought, "what the heck have I agreed to do?". Probably not, because she was without sin and did not question what God had asked her. But, like us, she made a choice. That choice then required her to be obedient and most of all trusting that God would not ask her to do something beyond her capabilities. So where does that leave us? We are not sinless, but we were given a choice. We chose. Now, like Mary, our lives are not our own. They are at the service of our husband and children and therefore, at the service of God. Our life has become something bigger than ourselves, than our dreams, our wants, our wishes, our fairy tales. We made a choice to except the plan God has for us in our vocations. At that time we gave Him our life to do with what He asks. For a time, this life might be difficult, dreary, mundane, frustrating. But isn't life a sequence of events happening for a greater purpose? Each load of laundry, dirty diaper, and dishwasher full of dishes is one step along the path of life God has planned for us that we chose when we, like Mary, said yes.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.

"Wake Up!"

     This morning our priest gave an amazing homily on John’s Gospel about the raising of Lazarus. He paraphrased Christ’s word when he called to Lazarus telling him to come out of the tomb saying, “Wake up!”  His message was a plea to his parishioners to get rid of our apathy.  Wake up and recognize the state of our country, the state of our families, and the state of our faith.  He used a quote from philosopher and historian, Will Durant, which said, “A great civilization is not conquered from without until it has destroyed itself from within.”  Why should we care, really?  What’s so bad about just hanging out, not worrying about anything or anyone? Because whether we want to believe it or not, there is an eternity we might want to consider.   And one final message he gave us is that God isn’t going to banish anyone to Hell.  All we have to do is nothing and Hell will come to us. 

     This led me to think about the state of marriage in our world.  Sure the divorce rate has actually gone down.  But, undeniably, so has the marriage rate.  If, by the definition of marriage in the Code of Canon Law, marriage is foremost about the good of the spouses, we surely can see how marriage is beneficial to our Heavenly eternity.  The Sacrament of Marriage gives us a partner to help us reach that eternal destination.  But, just like everything else, we’re going to get out of it what we put into it.  So when we become apathetic, we have someone to inspire us to “Wake up!” Marriage gives us someone to love as Christ taught us to love, actively.  Then it inspires us to work together to wake up others.

     This whole mess with “same-sex” marriage is not really about telling those attracted to the same sex that they can’t get married because they are the same sex.  It could be those who want to marry more than one spouse, or those who want to marry minors, or, or, or… It’s about the definition of marriage; “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life and which is ordered by its nature to the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring, has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament between the baptized.” (CCL 1055) It’s laid out right there without question.  It’s not for those attracted to the same sex, or for those who want more than one spouse, or for those who are attracted to children or, or, or…

     Those of us that are married have to stop being apathetic and “Wake Up!” Changing the definition of marriage is a slap in our faces.  Why would we let the government demean what we have by saying it’s not what we have, that it’s only a contractual agreement between people who love each other?  No, it’s a sacramental covenant! It has been blessed by God because He’s the one who authored marriage from the get-go; not, the government, not society, not even Oprah! (That’s for those that have been in our classes and heard it before.) So married-folk, stop being apathetic to what is happening right before our eyes. “Wake Up!” and speak up, write, and pray like never before, that we can keep the definition of marriage from becoming something totally foreign to what God designed marriage to be.

     God’s blessings!